Mother's Day.

Cory and I are in a "get out of debt" mode somewhat right now. I say "somewhat" because we still love to buy things...especially me! So I told him I really didn't want any gifts this year for Mother's Day and that was the absolute truth.

This weekend has been kind of rough. Work at both my jobs have been a little crazier/more stressful than usual. And I am at a point in my pregnancy where I just constantly hurt. Even sitting and laying down causes me pain. So you can imagine how little sleep I have been getting, and I won't even mention that we are still co-sleeping with Jack and that has been....interesting lately. He just REALLY loves to be held. haha.

I didn't even eat breakfast this morning, I was so tired. I just threw on some clothes that (kinda?) fit and ran out the door. It was so busy at work that I didn't take a lunch break. And then on the way home, an asshole on 435 almost rear-ended me. And I was hangry enough before that!

So by the time I got home I was just not in the best mood, especially considering it's a day designed to make people like me feel special and relaxed. Jack was in a bad mood when I got here, he was just sleepy. Cory went to lay him down and I went to my computer to do some more work. An hour or so passes and I realize Cory never came out of there, haha. So I get started on cleaning a little more to prep for having a handful of family over tonight. I guess I was a little too loud and I woke Cory up. (I should mention that poor Cory has some kind of an infection right now, his entire face is swollen, he looks like he just fought Mayweather) He came out and apologized for sleeping. But I sent him back to bed.

Today has not been ideal, I will say that. If I really had to say how I would spend a day of my choosing, it would be on  a beach somewhere sunny and quiet. Buuuuut we aren't in a position to have that, so here I am. In a quiet room in my home with a window right next to me to let the sun in. And I am just fine with it.

I don't mind that Cory is napping. I am, however, regretting not taking advantage of the opportunity as well. I will tell you why I don't mind that he gets a nap on Mother's Day and I am not:

Because Cory deserves it. Far more than I do. Cory is the reason I am a Mom. He is the reason I have made it this far. That is not a joke or an exaggeration. I depend on him so much, and it has to be physically and mentally exhausting to be married to me, haha. But he always comes to the plate ready to knock it out of the park.

What I am trying to say is...Cory makes me feel like a special Mother all of the time. It may be as simple as when he compliments how I handled something...or the way he looks at me when I read Jack a book...or when he works from home just to help me out that day. And then there are the bigger things like when he gets me anything I want...or when he doesn't bite my head off when he sees that I have ordered MORE stuff online...or when he surprises me with something completely random like a massage or a night away.

Today wasn't ideal in some ways, but this...this right here...is what I have wanted my entire life. My little family in my little house. With Cory Herron.

Call me lame. Call me mundane. Boring. Whatever. I like it.

Funks

I get into these somewhat random funks every now and then. I hate it so bad. Because I don't *want* to be upset, but I can't help it. My mind starts going a 115 miles per hour and I can't slow it down. It doesn't take much-- it could be that my house is even more messy than the norm, I made the terrible choice to step on the scale, or sometimes nothing at all.

Today I am in that funk. This time I can narrow it down as to why... and the worst part is, they are all things that ARE within my control but, for the moment, I have lost the energy to fix any of it.

Being fat is just not for me. It's just not. Therefore, being pregnant is not my jam. Do not get me wrong, I love this kid and Jack more than the world...but I just don't do pregnancy right. I tend to just crash and burn. I was finally worried about myself about 7 months ago...I was finally getting myself back. I was almost to my health goals...and boom, I LET it all come back down. And now I am right back where I started. Fat and unhappy. I wish so much that I could say "I'm *just* pregnant" but I know that my choices have been terrible since finding out we were having another baby, and I only have myself to blame for the way I look and feel. Now I am at the point where my back hurts from the weight gain (I know some of that is natural with pregnancy, but I suuuuure didn't help myself out at all there) and I feel tired all of the time.

This house. Man, I am starting to reaaaally hate this house. Again, don't get me wrong, I am lucky to have a home. But man, this place irritates me. The doors don't shut right. My shed is barely held together at this point. The carpet is gross. And all of this could be fixed...heck, I could have bought a new house by now if it weren't forrrrr.....

My spending habits. Good lawd. I buy so much stuff. Mostly stuff that we just don't need. I try to find the best possible deals on what I want/need...but that doesn't necessarily mean I should just buy it. Does Jack *really* need 4 more shirts? Doesn't Charlotte have *enough* shoes already?? I obviously am not the person to ask these questions to, lol.


I need something...err...someone...to come pull me out of this funk. I have way too much to do in so little time. No time to waste!

Minimalism

I think too often about not wanting stuff anymore. I wish that I could be that person. The one that doesn't feel the need to constantly acquire new stuff. But I am not that person. I am someone who loves to go to Target and just spend money...it doesn't even matter what it is. A shirt for one of my kids, an accent pillow, a candle, whatever. I don't want to be like that.
What I really want, more than anything, is to get my debt paid off. In full. To leave that part of myself behind. To become a minimalist. I want my kids to understand that what is important in life is the people in it and the memories you share, not a tee shirt.


So riddle me this...even though my biggest goal is to be debt-free and to get a nicer/newer/bigger home...why can't I tell myself that when I see a clearance rack?

What is it going to take for me to quit shopping?


I want nothing more than to get this part of my life all straightened out. I want to be the minimalist.


Help.