730

It has been 730 days.
Since I have seen your precious face.

Two whole years.
Since I have heard your sighs. And your unbelievably seasonal farts. I know that right now you would have mastered the art of the classic "pumpkin fart".
Two years since I have forced you to choke down a handful of medicine.
And 2 years since I have felt your heart-warming hugs.

I miss you all the time.
I feel a lot of guilt about how things transpired.
Granted, I could not make you better. But I wish all the time that I had given you just one more day. One more hour. One more minute.
I hope you can forgive me for that. I hope you can understand what was happening.
I hope and pray more than anything that you still love me. Even with all my faults. And I hope that you will remember me....and leave a spot for your Dad and I next to you in heaven. Because we would sure love to see your crazy run that you used to do, one more time.

I am so sorry that life is not fair.
That such a good pup would die so young. And that we did not find you sooner.
My hope is that with life being so unfair, that it will pay off in some way...
That we can all be together again, for forever.

I love you. And I sure wish you could be here when your little brother shows up. I know you would have loved him...and covered him in hugs.

Bye, Puppy.

Technology

Its crazy how you can just completely forget about something. And then it finds a way to creep back into your brain...by blowing up your cell phone. Lol. Long after you completely forgot that it existed. And then you remember that you can block people from stalking you. And life is good again. That thing gets pushed right back into the past. Where it belongs. :)

I love my life. Thank you , technology. I am glad I can count on you.

Hashtag

With all the social networking sites, its kinda hard to remember to update this blog. At any moment, whatever I am thinking or feeling can easily be updated to twitter or Facebook...so I am sorry to my (few) readers that I never update this anymore.  #badblogger

Loving my new job. Work less, get paid more. Not as stressful and no actual patient care. Cory's new job is also going extremely well...he also works less and gets paid more. We are moving on up! #makemoneymakemoney

But I will give a brief update on life. Everything is going fantastically. I have finally managed to surround myself with drama-free, upbeat, fun, loving, honest people. I have removed the individuals who choose to attempt to ruin my day...or my life. And I have never been happier. #trimmedthefat

Speaking of fat...gooooodnight, I am uncomfortable. This whole pregnany bit just isn't for me, lol. I have always been so skinny...but with my few found belly, I find myself running into everything. My depth perception is not changing with my body. #boom

My husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary this week. I can't believe we have already been married for a year...and even though it doesn't feel any different now, since I think we were pretty much married from day one, it has been the best year. I feel so lucky and blessed to have Cory's love. And I can honestly say that I would be lost without him. #timeflies

Little dude is growing very well. I am 28 weeks, so not too much longer! He kicks A LOT which I love. I can just see him bouncing around in there. Sonograms have still been going well...and he is definitely a boy! All the complications that I have been worried about at this point have subsided, so everything is looking good! I can't wait to meet this little man and share him with all our loved ones. I hope he is JUST like his father. :)   #sweetchildofmine



#lifeisgood

Out with the bad

I have decided to make this blog positive.
And make my life more positive.
Starting now.
In with the good. Out with the bad.

So here we go. .

I saw this on reddit. (LOVE that site)
This guy's mom saved all the things that have been in his pockets since childhood and put it into a vase for a lamp...this is such a cool, unique and loving idea. :)
I just might steal it.

Shower

There are quite a few moments in my life when I just realize how unlucky I can be.
Don't get me wrong.... I love my life, for the most part.
I can't explain enough how happy I am on a daily basis.
But when it comes to big events, it always kinda slaps me in the face.
YOU HAVE HARDLY ANY FAMILY.
I have my amazing in-laws.
And a great little circle here at home.
I have 3 sisters. Well, only 2 of them actually give a crap about me.
And then I have a small group of newbies on my Dad's side.
My loving Grandmother Elizabeth is no longer here.
My mother is...well...she is in a class all her own.
And I was brought up to dislike the people on my mother's side of the family...so I don't talk to cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.
So, here I am, making a list of people that I would like to attend my baby shower.
Lots of great people on that list... but its a short list.
It's moments like this that I realize how robbed I was of so much.
From my Mother and my Father.
I got the crap end of this stick.
Most people have multiple showers. Mine can all come to just one...
Thank God that I have friends that love me...no matter what.
And thank God that I married Cory.
At least I can finally feel like I have a full, truly loving family.

Now I need to go take a shower.
Toodles.

Blocked.

Still so happy everyday to have the love of an amazing man.
Got my Dad to pick up some dinosaurs for my son. 
The nursery is almost complete.
Have a new job, and I think I am going to like it.
My puppies are as cute as ever. 
And I also found out that there is an option on my phone to block people.
I like everything right now.
Love,
Me

The flood

"My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life. But, I think he's wrong. I think my mom's right. She says that... Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..."

I guess depending on who you are, that quote can make a lot of sense. It does for me. I spend so much time trying to forget the days I spent at home with my mother. I have a few fond memories, but they are few and far between. But I spend most of my time moving on from it, ignoring it, "getting over it" as she would say. Hell, some people who may have gone through something similar would be getting over their past. But that's where it gets complicated...its not even just my past. Its my present. She continues to be the person that I remember her being. Manipulative, lying over the dumbest and sometimes biggest things, self-centered, complicated, non-nurturing...I could go on and on.

That's why I am not over it, parts of it, because it hasn't stopped. The torture continues. I want so badly to have a mother that I can rely on...one that loves me enough to take a bullet. But it will never happen. So I let it go. I stopped wishing for it. Because it is so much worse than a waste of time.

But it's not as easy as just blocking out the past and the present...because it finds me. Every now and then...sometimes I go months without even thinking about any of it... and sometimes I think of it all more than I care to admit. It comes back in...like a flood. A terrible force of emotions that starts to come out of my eyes, that makes my heart hurt, even if only for a moment. But it still hurts. Just a little trigger that nobody else would ever guess would make my mind start spinning...a smell, a color, an action, a photo, a texture. It's like a tiny little secret that I just replay inside my own head...

So to answer your question...I am "over it"...in a sense. My childhood was terrible...but it's over and I have overcome it. I have moved on. I am happy. The happiest I have ever been. Happier than I ever thought was possible. There may be some hiccups every now and then, but dammit, I love my life. The middle part. 

Time is not on my side.

I feel like my life is just flying by me.
Week by week. They feel more like days to me.
I am so excited for the future I have ahead of me.
I can't say that things have exactly gone according to plan...but luckily I have the love and support of an amazing spouse, a wonderful family and friends.

Stoked.

Well, that was unexpected

So life is great.
It really is.
I have the best Husband a girl could ask for.
A great family...and a great family-in-law.
The best dogs on the planet.
Aaaand...life is getting better everyday.

I will keep you posted. :)

Spring!!

Super stoked about the weather.
And even more stoked to FINALLY have the house to ourselves. Hello, newlywed life!!
It's been 7 months today since Cory and I got married...and everyday he shows me exactly why I flipped my entire life around to be with him. I love him more and more every single day. Growing old won't be so bad when I've got him.
:)

Time to hang with the pups.
Tootles.

Lorrrrrd, give me strength!!

Maybe I need to go to church.  I have a few questions. Because a lot of things seem wonky, out of place, unfair.
I do my best all the time to make everyone around me comfortable. I make sure that if they need something, they get it. Even when they aren't my responsibility, even when I have my own problems to work on.
So why is it that I can try my best. And I can give and give and give...but nothing ever comes back my way?? Why the fuck is that?? Why are people so damn rude and ungrateful.
Did your Mother never teach you to return the shit that you borrow? Or to thank people?? Hell, did you even learn the basics of etiquette??
Fuck, my mother was a complete HOTT mess that didn't teach me SHIT about real life...but I figured it out. You don't see me treating people like absolute shit. I don't use people. I should. Out of everyone I know, I should be the one who doesn't have a fucking clue about life. I should be the one who feels entitled, I should be the one with the sob story, who gets the sympathy and who gets the fucking handouts.

GROW THE FUCK UP

Life as we know it.

So, my life for about the past month has been this:
Wake up, eat, go to work, come home, sleep. Repeat.
 This is no over-exaggeration. I have been consumed with adulthood, in the worst way. I always told my friends who were out living it up to enjoy it...hold onto it as long as they could. Take the charities that they were given as long as they were being handed out. Because this shit is for the birds.
I remember living life like there wasn't anything to worry about. I was about 17. It ended quickly. I went from 17 to 30 in about a month. I have the strangest case of progeria that this world has ever seen. I mutated at 17, I am no longer who I was back then. I am an old lady. Soon I will need help getting my groceries inside...I will be the lady in the loud shirt getting help walking across the street. This isn't an over-exaggeration either, I have grown a love for loud shirts that I find at the thrift store for a quarter. Ha.
It may sound like I am complaining...and maybe I am. I am a bit frustrated that I never get to see Cory or any of my friends and family. And I don't like that when the opportunity arises to do something fun, I would rather nap. But I can't complain. My life is going to be great. I work hard now and it will pay off later. Just suck it up, buttercup.
I think I am going to have a glass of wine. Yes, wine. Good Lord, I am a different human!
Ta ta