The flood

"My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life. But, I think he's wrong. I think my mom's right. She says that... Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..."

I guess depending on who you are, that quote can make a lot of sense. It does for me. I spend so much time trying to forget the days I spent at home with my mother. I have a few fond memories, but they are few and far between. But I spend most of my time moving on from it, ignoring it, "getting over it" as she would say. Hell, some people who may have gone through something similar would be getting over their past. But that's where it gets complicated...its not even just my past. Its my present. She continues to be the person that I remember her being. Manipulative, lying over the dumbest and sometimes biggest things, self-centered, complicated, non-nurturing...I could go on and on.

That's why I am not over it, parts of it, because it hasn't stopped. The torture continues. I want so badly to have a mother that I can rely on...one that loves me enough to take a bullet. But it will never happen. So I let it go. I stopped wishing for it. Because it is so much worse than a waste of time.

But it's not as easy as just blocking out the past and the present...because it finds me. Every now and then...sometimes I go months without even thinking about any of it... and sometimes I think of it all more than I care to admit. It comes back in...like a flood. A terrible force of emotions that starts to come out of my eyes, that makes my heart hurt, even if only for a moment. But it still hurts. Just a little trigger that nobody else would ever guess would make my mind start spinning...a smell, a color, an action, a photo, a texture. It's like a tiny little secret that I just replay inside my own head...

So to answer your question...I am "over it"...in a sense. My childhood was terrible...but it's over and I have overcome it. I have moved on. I am happy. The happiest I have ever been. Happier than I ever thought was possible. There may be some hiccups every now and then, but dammit, I love my life. The middle part.