Don't make me cry!

What a wild ride this month has been. So much fun happening in KC. The Royals were completely hot and made it all the way to game 7 of the World Series. Our hearts broke when they lost by one run in the bottom of the ninth (and we even had a guy on third!!) But we had SO much fun with baseball this year. It doesn't make you a bandwagon fan to say that this year made it so much easier to be a Royals fan-- because it did! It was what we needed. Royals fans needed a reason to "Don't STOP BELIEEEEVING!" And the boys in blue gave it to us this year.
We had a blast. I am not sure we have ever spent so much money on baseball...ever. We dropped a lot of money on just one ALCS game (whiiiiiiich was completely worth it...we were only a few feet away from some homerun balls and we won...which is always nice) And I think we have bought more spur of the moment fan gear than ever. (Yeah, Cory has that hat already...but this new one has a World Series patch!! We need it!)  We went to more games than we have in a single year (we normally go to plenty...but there were just too many nail-biting moments this year, we needed to be there!)

My dad blogs. And I think that's where I get this side of me from. It's always really weird to think about the traits that I got from him...long before I ever even saw his face when I was 21. (ahem, speaking of nail-biting! Merp) I always read his posts on Royals Review and Arrowhead Pride when I know that he has made one. And this last one got to me, so I thought I would share.

http://www.royalsreview.com/2014/10/29/7088677/this-ones-for-you-mom

I read it with tears in my eyes the whole time. I was heartbroken (the same way I have felt for years at holiday parties when everyone shares old family stories that I was not a part of) I read about this wonderful grandmother that I never knew and will never get to know. And it reminded me of how absolutely shitty it all was for me. It brought me right back to the place that I don't think about anymore. The parts of my life that I have all but forgotten. It's been easier the past 6 years or so, now that I have Cory. He has changed my life in so many ways...one of which is that I don't feel sad like I used to....and I know that I can find comfort with him on the rare occasion that I do. I don't feel like I even think about this stuff as much. My heart is so full of love and joy that there isn't much room for anything else.

When I got to the paragraph about my Grandmother seeing her grandchildren graduate...I stopped reading. And feared what would be said next. I didn't know what I would read...but I was sure surprised when I found the courage to read the rest.

"Mary Dixon died in 2006. She lived to see her grandchildren Susan, Ellen and Tim graduate from high school, but she never knew her granddaughter Chyleina. I'm sorry for that, Mom. You would have loved her. You would have loved Cory - the wonderful young man that she married - and your first great-grandson Jack. And there is no doubt in my mind that there is no one who would have better appreciated the way Chyleina and Cory announced the upcoming birth of your next great-grandchild on Facebook:"


I was mentioned! Not at all saying that I assumed I would be left out of it entirely. But he said it. Out load. For everyone to read. Which brought a strange sense of relief over me. We talk about things, we don't act like it never happened, but for him to open up that side of us for all of the Royals fans to read was special to me.

Then today, Cory sent me the link again...and told me to read the comments. And it somehow surprised me more than that paragraph.

Just an amazing post.

This is what SB Nation is all about.

Sorry for the tough loss tonight, but your boys showed heart throughout it all. Your mom is up there, darn proud of the 2014 Royals.

Just kidding.

by 5thStarter on Oct 30, 2014 | 1:13 AM reply

Just one technical question that is piquing my curiosity...

Why didn’t your mom get to meet Chyleina? Sorry if that’s too personal of a question.

Just kidding.

by 5thStarter on Oct 30, 2014 | 1:20 AM up reply

As a matter of fact, it is too personal of a question.

But I will answer it anyway. Chyleina is the daughter of a woman with whom I had a relationship while I was separated from my first wife. Like most people, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. The biggest one I ever made was believing my parents wouldn’t be able to handle the knowledge that I had another daughter. It wasn’t fair to them. But more importantly, it wasn’t fair to Chyleina. She came through it as a strong, beautiful woman, and I couldn’t be prouder of her.

That’s all I have to say about it – except to say something to any young man who might find himself in a similar situation: Listen to this old man. Give your family the credit it deserves. Don’t trade an awkward hour for a lifetime of regret.

And there it was. My day was made. And nobody even meant to do it. I don't know who 5thStarter is, but I appreciate his curiosity. It was what I needed.


Which brings me to my next point of business...and the only people who read this are already well aware...but this is how we announced our pregnancy (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!)

People seemed to like it. Haha. And we even got a little blurb on the morning news about it. And as a side note, none of these names are in the running. We have names picked out...and they are not Royals-related. (Sorry boys, we love you...but this has already been planned in my head for a while!!)

Hokay, I am sure Bud will be waking from his nap soon, so I shall disperse.
Toodles.

That time of year again!

We are just barreling through fall...so the holidays are quickly approaching. Call me lame, but I thought I would post a little wishlist on here in case anyone (ahem, Cory) needs one to distribute to family/friends.

Here goes (and will update this periodically with new wants and remove things that I bought for impatient self. :) )

• Nice kitchen utensil set that does NOT suck. Anything that won't look like crap after a few uses. Color doesn't matter, probably would prefer not to have black anymore. But this orange is pretty sweet! http://www.target.com/p/rachael-ray-nylon-tool-set-orange-6-pc/-/A-12836582?ref=tgt_adv_XSB10002&AFID=bing_pa_df&LNM=12836582&CPNG=Kitchen&kpid=12836582&LID=26pbs&ci_src=328768002&ci_sku=12836582
• a new, bigger house ;)
• My biggest goal is that new house, which means that I am working to pay off our debt to get into that house. So, I know this is lame...but cash is always appreciated. It will go directly to credit card/school loan debt.
• A new carpet shampoo-er-thingymajig. Ours is super old and I love nothing more than clean carpet, so if we can make that happen, that'd be GREAAAAAT. One that gets super hot and will clean all the baby/dog mayhem out of my carpet???
• My handheld mixer bit the dust ages ago...and I have, for the longest time, been torturing myself everytime I have to use it. (won't shut off, so as soon as you plug it in, it starts mixing, at the highest setting....HELLLLOOOO MESS!!) So something like this?? Red to match my standing mixer? http://www.kohls.com/product/prd-1759772/KitchenAid-5-Speed-Hand-Mixer.jsp?ci_mcc=ci&srccode=cii_328768002&cpncode=35-267506640-2&CID=shopping20
• A 25 lb or 30 lb kettleball weight. 
• Ok, don't laugh at me, but if you're into giving someone a super practical gift that they will use every single day...I present to you...http://www.target.com/p/as-seen-on-tv-forever-comfy/-/A-14402914?ref=tgt_adv_XSG10001&AFID=google_pla_df&LNM=14402914&CPNG=Kitchen&kpid=14402914&LID=26pgs&ci_src=17588969&ci_sku=14402914&kpid=14402914&gclid=CK6y6qCe9sECFc47MgodZlUAfw    That one doesn't have the best reviews, so if there is something a little better, I would be fine with that...but this is just the cheapest one I found fast. 

And I guess I can talk about what Baby Jack may require!

• I dream of something like this for little man so he can run in there, read a book or whatever in his own little world. http://www.samsclub.com/sams/child-teepee-with-storage-bag/prod16000017.ip?searchTerm=teepee
• Jack seriously loves wooden puzzles...and I SERIOUSLY love watching him put them together. He has an animal one (house animals) but I would looooove if he could have some with trains, cars, boats, zoo and/or farm animals, letters, numbers, SHAPES, etc! And this sweet little rack would come in super handy!! http://www.target.com/p/melissa-doug-puzzle-rack-with-3-peg-puzzles/-/A-14352222#prodSlot=medium_1_1&term=melissa+%26+doug+puzzle
• This seems to be the biggest truck you can get for the best price. http://www.samsclub.com/sams/tonka-steel-mighty-dump-truck/prod6660328.ip?navAction=
• http://www.zulily.com/p/doctor-play-set-87049-6471972.html?g=1&size=One-Size&tid=googpla_Toys_Educational+toys_6471972_zcvp2?ci_src=17588969&ci_sku=1922576&ns=ns_902222937|1414623766997
• Jack's uncle Skeet bought him on of these last year and he really liked it, but he dropped it one too many times. I promise if he gets a new one, I won't let him carry it all over the house. :) http://www.kohls.com/product/prd-1832782/Discovery-Kids-Marine-Lamp.jsp?ci_mcc=ci&srccode=cii_17588969&cpncode=35-264951484-2&CID=shopping15

Love is NOT all you need.

Somewhat random thought for the day...and forgive me if I sound like a relationship know-it-all...that's not my intention...I just really feel strongly about what it means to love someone. And I feel like I have a pretty good viewpoint since I had to get through some pretty terrible and other mediocre relationships to get where I am today (not at all saying that I didn't play a large hand in why those relationships failed) 

But I just want to say that love isn't all you need. You need more. Way more. 

These memes make me insane:

They're crap. Just plain crap. 

Sure, things go wrong. People disagree and they argue. Someone may lose a job or someone close may die and that might put a strain on your relationship. But I am here to tell you, if the "thing" that is ripping you apart from your significant other is something that one of you *did* or is still *doing*...then your relationship is over. You may not want to admit it. And it may take months, years, or even decades before it happens...but I can assure you, it will. And even if you somehow manage to pull together and grow old together, I can tell you it will not likely be a healthy scenario for either of you. 

Sure, people make mistakes. We all do. Cory put my favorite J Crew cardigan in the dryer last year and I still feel a little upset when I think about it. But did Cory cheat on me? Has Cory ever lied to me? Have I ever done anything to make his trust lessen in me? The answer to all of that is NO. 

And do you know why that is? It's not some crappy line about how much we love each other. No. Love is easy. Anyone can claim to love someone. But it's what you do to the people that matter that counts. 

It's because we LIKE each other. Genuinely. We care about each other. We put the needs of the other person and the relationship before our own. And it honestly should not be that hard to do. If it is, then you have problems. It should not take effort to make something work. It either works or it doesn't. 

Which brings me to this load of crap: 

Again...NO. Not accurate. 

Are there days when I am (likely premenstrual) cranky and everything he says just rubs me wrong? OH YEAH. Are there times when we can't figure out W.T.F. the other one is trying to explain? Yes. Are there times when we disagree over something dumb? Of course! 

But that's not work. It's still pretty easy. Because even though we disagree, we still respect each other...every minute of every day. We have never called each other names, purposefully hurt each other, or put each other down. We talk about our viewpoints, and if we never see eye to eye, then so be it. 

You are allowed to terminate a toxic relationship. It doesn't matter if it's with your husband, your mom, your neighbor...you can say goodbye to that person. You owe that to yourself. You owe yourself happiness. If that person brings you down, if they are physically or mentally abusive...for the love of GOD, leave. Especially if you have children. 

 I stopped talking to my mom years ago...but I have acquired a few "mothers" along the way that have shaped me, and I can't thank them enough for that. You will find people that love you, care for you, and choose to respect you. There is literally no need in staying in a never-ending circle of...well...crap. 

And there is a Cory out there for everyone. As long as you don't settle on anything less, you will find your Cory. I am living proof of that. 

Gifts

This time last year, I could NOT...for the life of me...think of anything that I would like as a gift. I would always just recommend a gift card to one of my favorite stores (TARGET!! , Hobby Lobby, Victoria's Secret, etc)

But now...now that I NEVER buy anything for myself anymore...now I can finally think of things that I would enjoy getting as a gift...and since my memory is literally shot...I thought I would make a blog post about it...and update it when I think of something...

That way, the people that love me have ideas without having to ask me. :)

Here are a few:

• this tank: https://www.etsy.com/listing/168199382/you-go-glen-coco-shirt-tank-top-t-shirt?utm_source=google&utm_medium=product_listing_promoted&utm_campaign=clothing_low&gclid=CPrwnbep6b4CFcHm7AodS1gA7Q
• This shirt...in gray. http://skreened.com/lanastees/help-me-i-m-poor  It is too expensive for me to buy for myself...but I have wanted it for forever...or even if someone can get it made somewhere locally, I would love it for forever. 
• Sephora or Ulta gift cards. 
• Naked3 pallete. -- ACQUIRED, thanks babe!
• A FitBit or a Nike Fuel Band-- ACQUIRED, thanks babe!!
• a contouring makeup set. I will do more research on which one I like! -ACQUIRED

I will think of more and add to this!

Ween

Past

For some reason, lately I keep thinking about how much different it all could have been . Obviously, I am so incredibly happy with where I am at the moment. But I can't help but wonder what would be different about me...about my life and the people in it...if the decisions that were made by my parents had been better decisions.

If my mother had made better choices about my living situation... if she had been a better housekeeper (hell, I guess if she even would have attempted to clean the house) would my social status have been completely altered? I would bet my paycheck that my entire school years would have been exponentially improved if she had. If I could have just had a friend over to my house...or not have roaches crawl out of my sneakers...would I have been more liked? Would people have wanted to be my friend then? Even to this day I don't feel like I can easily acquire friends. Since I am an adult, it's a little harder to plant those seeds...and I fear I have missed the greatest opportunity to build friendships.

I don't even feel like having a ton of money would have been the best thing for me. I am not mad at anyone for the fact that we were poor...like...dirt poor. I mean, sure, I would have enjoyed being able to participate in things more. I would have loved the opportunity to be a cheerleader, had we been able to afford it. I would have loved to have a car...so I could quit being tormented for not having one. But those aren't the reasons I am upset.

I am upset that things were allowed to happen to me. Things that completely altered my existence. Things that continue to change my perception of the world and the people in it. Things I was subjected to...things that I was hidden from.

I wish so much that I could have had a relationship with my brother. His love for music brings out a sadness in me. Because I will never know that love. Seeing pictures of him as a toddler in our father's studio can crush my spirit in an instant. Because I will never understand them. Either of them. And maybe if I had, maybe I would have been a better person. Maybe I would have been able to let myself loose and get lost while playing the guitar. Maybe I could have had an outlet...rather than being stuck in a house with nothing. Maybe music would have spoken to me...maybe I could have written songs... but I was never given these opportunities.

And that is what I plan to give my son. I have learned from the mistakes that my parents have made. I am going to give my son opportunities. And I will let him choose his path. I refuse to just force him one way. He will be whatever it is that he wants to be...because I will never allow anything to sever his options.