Past

For some reason, lately I keep thinking about how much different it all could have been . Obviously, I am so incredibly happy with where I am at the moment. But I can't help but wonder what would be different about me...about my life and the people in it...if the decisions that were made by my parents had been better decisions.

If my mother had made better choices about my living situation... if she had been a better housekeeper (hell, I guess if she even would have attempted to clean the house) would my social status have been completely altered? I would bet my paycheck that my entire school years would have been exponentially improved if she had. If I could have just had a friend over to my house...or not have roaches crawl out of my sneakers...would I have been more liked? Would people have wanted to be my friend then? Even to this day I don't feel like I can easily acquire friends. Since I am an adult, it's a little harder to plant those seeds...and I fear I have missed the greatest opportunity to build friendships.

I don't even feel like having a ton of money would have been the best thing for me. I am not mad at anyone for the fact that we were poor...like...dirt poor. I mean, sure, I would have enjoyed being able to participate in things more. I would have loved the opportunity to be a cheerleader, had we been able to afford it. I would have loved to have a car...so I could quit being tormented for not having one. But those aren't the reasons I am upset.

I am upset that things were allowed to happen to me. Things that completely altered my existence. Things that continue to change my perception of the world and the people in it. Things I was subjected to...things that I was hidden from.

I wish so much that I could have had a relationship with my brother. His love for music brings out a sadness in me. Because I will never know that love. Seeing pictures of him as a toddler in our father's studio can crush my spirit in an instant. Because I will never understand them. Either of them. And maybe if I had, maybe I would have been a better person. Maybe I would have been able to let myself loose and get lost while playing the guitar. Maybe I could have had an outlet...rather than being stuck in a house with nothing. Maybe music would have spoken to me...maybe I could have written songs... but I was never given these opportunities.

And that is what I plan to give my son. I have learned from the mistakes that my parents have made. I am going to give my son opportunities. And I will let him choose his path. I refuse to just force him one way. He will be whatever it is that he wants to be...because I will never allow anything to sever his options.